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Monday, Dec 23 2013 11:00 PM

That perfect something: Gifts for the newsmakers of 2013

By The Bakersfield Californian

We all know how difficult it can be to find just the right gift for that special someone. Just imagine how challenging it must be to locate a meaningful gift for a public figure, many of whom already “have everything.” To assist shoppers who may already find themselves in that position, we’ve compiled some suggestions. Hurry! There’s still time to shop. But, um, good luck finding some of this stuff. You may need special powers.

JUSTIN BIEBER
Boorish teen idol
A well-deserved arrest for graffiti, followed by 24 hours in a holding cell with Leif Garrett
 
TERRY MAXWELL
Bakersfield city councilman
The right to pull an unlimited number of items off the City Council’s consent calendar (Oh, wait, he already has that)
 
MICHAEL HANSEN
Cinder-block wall builder
A government-surplus prison, complete with guard towers and razor wire, to protect him from the Amberton riffraff over on the next cul-de-sac

KEVIN McCARTHY
House Republican whip
A $5 million gift certificate to the D.C. muffin and bagel shop of his choosing
 
MARCO RUBIO
U.S. senator from Florida
A beverage-dispensing hat (with straws) for those parched-throat moments during the GOP response to next month’s State of the Union
 
MEGYN KELLY
Fox News’ blond-haired, blue-eyed defender of white Christmases
A Jesus figurine that looks just like Brad Pitt
 
ELDO KIM
Harvard bozo charged with making a bomb threat to avoid a final exam
A late drop
 
"60 MINUTES"
Disgraced, once-respected network newsmagazine
A new, more credible anchor who’s kind of a big deal ... say,  Ron Burgundy

MILEY CYRUS
Singer-twerker
A midnight lecture from the Ghost of Walt Disney Past

ANGELA MERKEL
Chancellor of Germany
From George W. Bush: a shoulder massager; from Barack Obama: a new, ‘specially equipped’ smartphone
 
KIM JONG UN
Dictator of North Korea
A “Scarface” poster for his bedroom wall

DENNIS RODMAN
Former NBA star and friend of dictators
Honorary rank of Uncle in the Korean People’s Army

THE NSA
U.S. domestic spying agency
Two empty soup cans and a string

HARVEY HALL
Bakersfield’s dapper mayor
A guest-hosting gig on “Project Runway”

BARACK OBAMA
President of the United States
Mitt Romney’s used Etch-a-Sketch

JOHN BOEHNER
Speaker of the House
A consultation with George Hamilton’s dermatologist

 

Related Info

We all know how difficult it can be to find just the right gift for that special someone. Just imagine how challenging it must be to locate a meaningful gift for a public figure, many of whom already "have everything." To assist shoppers who may already find themselves in that position, we've compiled some suggestions. Hurry! There's still time to shop. But, um, good luck finding some of this stuff. You may need special powers.

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