TheBakersfieldCalifornian.com

There must be a fantastically wealthy relative perched on a high branch of my family tree, because I have apparently been willed a lot of money. A lot. I have never actually seen $10,500,000.00, but I like the look of all those zeroes. My checkbook balance has never even exceeded four places to the left of the decimal point, at least not at one time. After a careful count, I note that my inheritance amount travels eight steps to the left of the decimal point. Good grief!

I am summoning childhood memories to place this elusive relative. Did I ever visit someone in a Park Avenue penthouse? A Malibu mansion? A Swiss chalet? You'd think I would remember such an unusual outing, but perhaps I was very young.

I know this e-mail must be legitimate because it's signed, "Yours in Service, Ben S Bernanke, Chairman Federal Reserve." It's certainly important if the Chairman of the Fed himself is handling it! All I need to do for this sum to appear in my bank account is to reply to Mr. Bernanke with my account number, the bank's routing number, my phone number, and a scanned copy of my driver's license. As soon as I send the bank officials this necessary information, the e-mail promises, they "will contact you and let you know how you will receive your funds."

I have a feeling that the way I will receive my funds is the exact way in which pigs will fly or hell will freeze over or Godot will arrive. Because this would be the same information required for funds to flow out of my account. Not only will I not receive the millions vouched for by Mr. Bernanke, my own paltry balance may disappear as well.

Here's the text of another e-mail I've received since I began writing this column:

"I am the accountant of the Gulf Bank International, London. I have a business prosposal (actual spelling!) amounting to the tune of £1.800,000.00 (One Million, Eight Hundred Thousand British Pounds). I will appreciate your timely response, if you are interested. You can contact me on my private e-mail: . . ."

Why do I have the suspicion that the address provided is not actually this guy's private e-mail?

And I suppose it's too much to ask that, if you're going to try to scam me, at least use your spell-checker before sending your e-bait. Have a little respect, for cripes sake.

Does anyone actually fall for this stuff? Would anyone believe there is a previously unknown, filthy rich benefactor in one's family? Would anyone be so foolish as to send that kind of sensitive financial information to an unknown destination?

Unfortunately, two kinds of people do: the very gullible and the very greedy. We can be our own worst enemies when we are too trusting, or when we are ourselves scheming to get rich quickly. The old adage, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is", is an old adage for good reason. And President Reagan's admonition to "Trust, but verify" applies to those who believe the lures of the Internet.

I have been trying to convince my mother to invest in a computer and go online. I think she would enjoy the ease of communication with friends and family, the rich possibilities of information retrieval, and the shopping. So far my efforts have failed, but I sometimes wonder if she is better off not getting acquainted with the World Wide Web, because she is both generous and credulous. She will pledge money to any organization with the word "children" in its title (even if it secretly stands for "Save the Children's Exploiters From Ever Having to Get an Honest Job"). She has also purchased by mail several health products whose claims are questionable at best, and whose address is a random post office box that shuts down before she can take advantage of that money-back guarantee.

So I hesitate to keep bugging her, because I worry that she would be a ripe plum for a virtual trickster to pick. According to the website scambusters.org, seniors are particularly targeted by unscrupulous scammers. Ample financial resources and a lack of online sophistication combine to make some seniors attractive and fruitful victims. The fact that there are entire websites devoted to protecting people from online scams demonstrates that the problem is widespread. I wouldn't want my mother devoured by a web-based wolf.

People being people, there will always be those who prey on the good-hearted, and on the greedy, using every new technology that comes along. Con artists have evolved and refined their techniques, from personal encounters to the mail to the phone to the Internet, and they will continue to adapt to the latest methods of communication, because that's what they do for a living. As always, consumers must beware the scammers.

That's why, even though Ben Bernanke seems like an upstanding guy on television, I'm going to have to pack away my fantasies, and decline his many-zeroed offer.