TheBakersfieldCalifornian.com

Today's column comes at a most inopportune time. I know it's January. I know that the No. 1 New Year's resolution made by most Americans is to lose weight. But when a place like Sugar Twist opens, well, to heck with the calendar.

Yet we must be responsible. We must report on our findings, but we can politely ask anyone who made such a resolution to leave the room. Drop the paper. Turn the page. So only thin people -- or folks happy with whatever size they are -- will be allowed to continue reading this column. I'm as serious as five days of rain, so everyone else can just move on right now.

Still with me? Good. If, secretly, you're longing to pack on a few pounds, Sugar Twist is the place for you. There's fatty breakfast and lunch options, customized maple bars, sinfully delicious doughnut holes and innovative "cookie cups" that will cause you to regret stepping on a scale. Welcome to the world of most Americans, you Slim Jims out there.

Sugar Twist is an amazing place, a land of delights that doesn't offer a square meal but reminds you why eating is so fun. Let's start with the red velvet doughnut holes, available only in the afternoons Wednesday through Sunday (they are wisely keeping us from eating those for breakfast). I do think the red velvet craze is quite close to playing itself out. It's even in a Pazookie at BJ's now. But done the Sugar Twist way, it's amazing. Each doughnut hole has an injection of cream cheese icing before being covered with powdered sugar. On two separate occasions I bought six ($1.79), intending to bring some home to my regular companion to sample. In both cases, they just didn't make it back to the house. They are that delectable.

There are more diet killers. They have these cream cheese pastry sticks (99 cents) that are nearly perfect: airy, flaky, and with just enough cream cheese in the center to taste, but not so much that you'd want to vomit when you're done. The top is crunchy, like a Dutch Crust, from a sugar glaze before baking.

They don't have conventional cookies; instead, they have cookie cups, shaped like discs: a chocolate chip disc with a caramel center, a red velvet cookie with white chocolate chips, a peanut butter cookie with jelly in the center. More fun.

Some of the sandwiches are promising but puzzling. I ordered two of the bagel sandwiches, the Phillyness ($7.40) and the Big Kahuna ($6.50). The Phillyness was a nice cheese steak -- good, thin beef and onions and green peppers. The Kahuna had a scored hot link sausage and some grilled hot pastrami with a nice brown mustard. What's the problem? The bagels weren't authentic, having that soft exterior that is far too common for "bagels" in Bakersfield. For my money, the most authentic bagels are found at AJ's Bagel House in Oildale. The Sugar Twist bagels were soft, toasted and fresh baked, but they were more bun than bagel. Pass.

So blissfully unconcerned with calorie counts is this place, that they've installed a "Dare" menu board that includes something called "Make ME happy," a maple bar stuffed with sausage, egg, bacon and cheese ($4.25). Usually one must go to a county fair to order such a creation. Ultimately, I passed on that, about the only thing I didn't try on my many visits.

Some of the creations in the bakery case were astonishing, including many made with these glazed doughnuts as wide as a soccer ball ($4.95). One was turned into a "wreath" with the help of chocolate, peanut butter and pretzels. Another, during my holiday visit, was topped with a Christmas tree made out of red velvet doughnut holes. Someone is ready to give Sweet Surrender a run for its money. There are "jalapeno poppers" (99 cents), little Danish pastries made with cheese and jalapenos.

The customized doughtnut bars are another great attraction. You get the bar, choose the frosting (chocolate, vanilla, maple) and the toppings, as if you were ordering frozen yogurt ($2.95). The younger you are, the more impressive that is. On one visit we heard a 9-year-old boy exclaim, "This is better than my aunt's cupcake shop." Hope that doesn't cause a family feud.

The cupcakes we tried here were merely OK. The red velvet, for example, had some chocolate chips inside but they weren't those miniscule morsels that the folks at Sweet Surrender use in their red velvet cupcakes, which create a more subtle impact.

The owners are Nai Chhaykrith and his two sisters, Victoria and Ariya Burana, who also own Rainbow Donuts at the corner of Chester and Brundage. I have not visited that place before but will keep it in mind to see how similar it is.

Seattle's Best coffee is served, and there are a lot of breakfast sandwiches offered. My favorite was the biscuit with bacon, sausage, egg and cheese ($3.35). So many restaurant biscuits I've sampled lately look so perfect but have no soul. This one was not like that. It was a bit unevenly browned on the bottom. It had a brush of oil somewhere in the process, which wasn't politically correct but tasted great. My objection was the American cheese. That ultra-crispy bacon and thin sausage patty deserved real cheddar.

Atmosphere is clean and pleasant but very cramped. Most customers on our visits were getting their orders to go.

Our only problem over our many visits with service was that at one dinner we were given a chocolate croissant instead of a chocolate chip cookie cup. Overall, the staff seems very friendly, eager to offer recommendations and well versed on where the calorie bombs are on the menu.

You've been warned, thin folks! Sugar Twist can be recommended for a fine dining experience. After a few visits here, you'll have a kinder attitude toward those not allowed to read the rest of this column.