TheBakersfieldCalifornian.com

Mere waitresses have customers. Connie Russell, who's been slinging hash with sass at a succession of Bakersfield restaurants for 25 years, has friends.

Granted, these particular friends seem to like abuse -- albeit the good-natured kind, doled out with a smirk and an eye roll from the resident curmudgeon at J&M's Cafe on Rosedale Highway. In fact, the customers are as much gluttons for punishment as they are biscuits and gravy at the family-owned restaurant, a fact that prompted several regulars to nominate Russell as the best server in town.

One "fan," Betty Finch, went so far as to pen an ode to the tart-tongued terror:

You may overhear a customer say,

Is the grumpy waitress working today?

"Want to sit on her station?" The hostess will ask,

As she automatically proceeds with the task.

How does she know, they never mentioned a name,

Does one waitress have ALL the grumpiness fame?"

Yes, there's only one Connie, and that is a fact,

And when she is working, well, J&M's is packed.

That's just a snippet from the long tribute framed on a wall of the humble restaurant, where for the last dozen years or so, the "wonderfully obnoxious" Russell has dished it out.

"She makes our Sunday morning breakfast an adventure," gushes Carla and David Reitz in their nomination.

Russell is the ringleader of a rambunctious crew who can be counted on to put on something of a floor show while they're jotting down orders and refilling coffee cups over breakfast and lunch.

"In the whole restaurant, I would say 80 percent of our clientele are regulars, but they're not all my regulars," said Russell, 45.

"You sit at the counter and it's a show. It's a playful argument -- we terrorize. I'm always screaming, 'Who stole my toast!'

"One of my regulars said the best show in town is the counter at J&M's when the girls get on a roll."

Russell has been waiting tables most of her life, working at a long list of Bakersfield restaurants like Goose Loonies, Carrows and Olive Garden.

Mexicali gave her her start, at about age 19, but the short fuse that so many J&M's customers love to trigger backfired on her at the downtown hot spot.

"The girls got me going one night and I lost my temper, and that was it. I got into it with one of the managers. But I went back three months later and they said I could have my job back. It's a great place to work; they're great people."

Ever since those first years at Mexicali, Russell has been drawn to family restaurants. The thought of reciting a long list of complicated specials in hushed tones at a white-tablecloth establishment has never tempted Russell away from the boisterous places that showcase her personality.

"The tips might be better at Mama Tosca's, but I get to work days and I probably get as much tips as they do," she said. "I get quantity where they get quality (in tipping).

"Besides, I couldn't yell across the restaurant, 'I haven't seen you in months -- where have you been?' It makes me feel special to make them feel special. If I yell across the restaurant and offend you, you can tell me and I'll stop. Maybe."

While the gruff stuff can be relied on to perk up the early morning crowd, the veteran waitress said it would be a mistake to think there isn't more to the relationships she's formed over the years.

"I've had customers I've walked through cancer with, customers I've lost, and that's the bad part.

"Usually, with the sick customers, I give them a little time and I worry. I'll look in the obituaries. Usually, I know."

It's that capacity for empathy that Russell will draw on in her next career, as a registered nurse. After toying with the idea of going back to school for years, she finally made the leap in her late 30s and expects to finish up at Bakersfield College in about a year.

"I'm so well-behaved in the hospital, no one would recognize me," Russell said. "You can't throw things and yell at people. It's a different atmosphere and a different kind of rewarding thing. Some things just awe you."

Russell has lived in Bakersfield since she was 5 and has no children, unless you count her dogs, and she does.

Her husband, Scott Russell, works in the oil fields. The two have been married 18 years, a fact that does nothing to dissuade potential boyfriends.

"They're all boyfriends (at work)," she said. "I have my smart boyfriend, my favorite boyfriend, my working boyfriend. They come in every day. The working boyfriend was a younger kid and he asked one of the other waitresses, 'How do you get to be one of her boyfriends?'"

But even with her ample charms, Russell can't win them all over: She's been stiffed on tips maybe 12 times in her 12 years at J&M's -- which isn't bad, considering.

She credits that enviable track record to an assortment of qualities she swears make the difference between a competent waitress and a crowd pleaser.

"Get good shoes. Organization skills are great. Think ahead. Have your stuff stocked and ready before you get busy. Treat your customers how you want to be treated. Getting to know your customers is the best way. You anticipate what they want, and they're happy.

"I still remember what people ate when I worked at Mexicali."

With an eye toward graduation, Russell is well aware that the clock is ticking down on her long career waiting tables, which, she freely admits is as much an excuse to socialize as it is a way to pay the bills.

But she also knows the skills she's cultivated as a waitress -- listening, nurturing and reading people -- will serve her well in her someday profession.

"If I'm half the nurse that I am a waitress, I'll be OK. I'm sponsored by Mercy, so I'll probably have a job.

"Provided I behave myself."