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1. HEATHER IJAMES: The great purge in my Bakersfield backyard

   By Heather Ijames

   Saturday, May 05 2012 12:00 PM

   The nice weather made me want to be outside. The only problem was our yard and patio were a wreck. There were at least a dozen pool toy inflatables, accumulated over the years and scattered about. Most had been chewed on and mauled by either the kids or the dogs. Who could really tell? There was also the veritable hazardous materials issue with all the expired pool chemicals, or as I like to call it, my experiment to get that white line off the tile.

   We had the husband's barbecue smoker -- a monstrous thing that still hasn't been taken on its maiden smoke voyage, even after two years. We had moving blankets . . . wait, what? Why? Never mind. Sports equipment, 3,000 balls of all shapes and sizes, and I'll be darned, a gigantic chocolate smudge the youngest proudly claimed as having done to the stucco last summer.

   Most of this was neatly stacked -- it's hard not to laugh at the irony -- on top of an outdoor dining table I haven't had the pleasure to know is there for the last couple of years. I told my husband that most of it, if not all, had to go. Including the bowing table underneath. I proudly called it The Great Purge. The hubs called it unfair. He's quite close to becoming a bonafide hoarder. Which is why he protests filling a garbage can with stuff he asserts he can use for some unspecified purpose in the indeterminate future. Pfft!

   It's because of his close proximity to landing on a reality TV show, and also for my peace of mind, I do as many purges as possible throughout the year, even though this was the first outdoor attempt in years. Charles got as far as bringing the trash can to the patio, but then stood there, pouting. I knew I had to act quickly, or I'd lose the momentum.

   "If you throw all this stuff away, how about we go to Lowe's and pick out some new patio furniture where the old table used to go?" I asked.

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2. HEATHER IJAMES: Bunking up the kids to settle them down

   To bunk bed, or not to bunk bed? That's the question taking up prime real estate in my brain these days.

3. HEATHER IJAMES: What's brewing inside us will come out

   I had one of those comedy of error days. You know, when it seems as if the world is trying to cram as many things in as possible to go haywire. By the end of the day, I was actually thinking I should drive through a fast-food joint, because by that day's flip-flopping rationale, my order would've been right.

4. HEATHER IJAMES: My youngest turned 4, with a different child-rearing philosophy

   My youngest just turned 4, and though I realize he's still a far cry from driving, shaving and telling me he's going to marry that girl no matter what I think, the turn of his years from 3 to 4 hit hard.

5. HEATHER IJAMES: Sometimes you have to squeeze into your marriage

   Wince if you must, but I'm mentioning a celebrity breakup. I was running at the gym when the TVs bombarded me with news of the Heidi Klum and Seal split. Since it was that or MSNBC telling me to "Lean Forward," I watched the dribble about this soon-to-be divorce.

6. HEATHER IJAMES: Please don't pop my personal space bubble

   I have this thing with personal space. And I thought it was only me, being one of the many crazy Heather things that my husband says makes his life interesting. However, a few years ago on vacation, someone told me that I had to be an American because of the persistent chastising I gave my son, asking him to take a step back from the stranger in front of us in line. I'm not sure being an American is predicated upon not wanting your kid's nose near someone's rear, but fine, if that makes me an American, then Glory Hallelujah, pass me my apple pie.

7. HEATHER IJAMES: Let's get past the sour grapes online

   Can someone declare 2011 the year of angry Internet comments?

9. HEATHER IJAMES: I like Christmas lights, without the drama

   Let's talk about Christmas lights. I love them. I want more of them. I love seeing them lining the streets, and I love seeing them up and down the neighborhoods. And hey, if you can make it look like a dozen elves exploded their glittery guts all over your front yard, please do so because the amount of shine and twinkle in suburban Bakersfield seems to dim each year.

10. HEATHER IJAMES: Influence your kids to do what's right, every time

    I appreciate a book that makes me wonder if I'm pruning my children to be criminals.

11. HEATHER IJAMES: We've gone from candy holiday to gore fest

    Since when did Halloween become primarily about blood-splashed walls and adult film get-ups? I suppose I should be smitten with the holiday since my birthday is the day prior, but at this juncture -- from what the holiday has become -- I'd rather not participate unless it's to sprinkle holy water or distribute pamphlets about STDs.

12. HEATHER IJAMES: You see all types while camping

    I took an end-of-the-season camping trip last weekend and it made me reflect upon the types of people encountered when in the great outdoors. I suppose you have to be a camper to fully understand the truth behind what I'm saying, but if you're not, take my word for it and then schedule some trips next summer to see for yourself.

13. HEATHER IJAMES: Time away with spouse -- sans kids -- good for marriage

    I spent a four-day weekend in Santa Barbara alone with my husband and came back with a fundamental observation: children wreak havoc on a marriage. I'm talking Chernobyl chicken with two heads and 14 claws kind of mutative havoc. Is it still a chicken? Yeah. But that bird no longer looks as good as it once did.
14. 

    HEATHER IJAMES: No more bye-bye Bakersfield

    Since my friends are out of the state by now, I figure it's OK to announce to the world -- or to greater Bakersfield, at least -- I'm upset they've skedaddled. I was especially perturbed when they listed all the reasons they didn't like it here.